Why should I forgive my dad when I don't see a need?

I can never picture my dad as a fatherly figure. He always uses violence and easily hot-tempered in most situations. When this happens, he will kick the door with a bang sound. He would throw items on the ground when he is angry and raise his voice on top of his lung. At night, he would frighten the whole family with beating and caning that causes us hard to sleep. He even speaks vulgar and awful words to hurt my mum and me. Eventually, this has become a habit since then.

I did not know I was physically and verbally abuse until one day, in my teenage days, I was talking to my mum and was half asleep. My mum called my dad's name that I disturbed her sleep, immediately he pulled my hair from behind and shouted at me.

I remembered blaming my mum for choosing to marry my dad. Afterward, my mum gave birth to me. It would be better off; I'm not born here on earth (Ecclesiastes 4:3). I commented those sentences are not to disappoint her but rather, to make her understand, nothing good comes out from her husband. Being her daughter, I feel ashamed of the act that he portrayed. Bitterness has constantly robbed my joy away. Anger started to boil up within me. At the back of my mind, I knew I had to forgive my dad and be kind to him despite all the wrongs that he had done. If my Heavenly Father can forgive all my sins and iniquities as a daughter of God, I must likewise forgive others (Ephesians 4:31-32). After all, he is still my dad.

Ten years had passed, still, struggle to speak with gentleness when hiccups take place. My best friend instructed me a couple of times to surrender all issues that relate to or deal with my dad to my Heavenly Father. I confessed that I have surrendered to God partially but not completely. She added on, by surrendering (100%) to God, we take captive of every thought and mind to obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). When we choose to surrender, we are not allowing the devil to destroy us (Ephesians 4:27).

Our earthly fathers may fail us and make mistakes because they are naturally born sinners. They also need to be saved by the precious blood of Christ. Our Heavenly Father is so much different. He is someone that we can run towards where His mighty arms open-widely ready to hug His children. When we cry or pour out our feelings and sorrows, God will keep track of all of them in His book and collect every single tear in His bottle (Psalm 56:8). When we landed at uncertainty places, we can be sure that He is looking out over us wherever we go and will not leave until He fulfills His promise (Genesis 28:15). Our Father in Heaven is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in love (Psalm 103:8, Psalm 145:8, Joel 2:13). We can rest assured that He loves us more than we will ever understand or imagine in this lifetime.

God has spoken to me is to love my father just the way, He loves me because love comes from God Himself (John 16:27, 1 John 4:7). As a follower of Christ, we must demonstrate the love of God to others because love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8) which relates to our imperfection. To cover sin is to forgive, just as saying forgiveness is associated with love. Love doesn't keep a record of wrong (1 Corinthians 13:5).

Part 2 of my Testimony

2006 Christmas gift from myself when I was a very young Christian.

In 2011, two persons came knocking at my door, They spoke to me their knowledge of God is. Without knowing, I agreed to attend their Bible study. They announced to me that they were Jehovah's Witnesses only when I attended the 2nd study. Back then, no one told me, there are other Christian groups and/or division. No one warns me to be aware of them, all I want is to back my relationship with God. The person who taught me the Bible study did reveal to me that churches mainly Christianity doesn't want to be close and/or mix with them. Months later, I started to realise the different teachings. In my mind, I knew certain things that they teach and proclaim was untrue as I grew up in a church since the age of 6. I knew deeply, it wasn't the right doctrine as I continue to attend during my most free time. The worst part was I even get myself to be involved in their congregation on certain Sundays.

There were many doubts running through my mind, and I didn't know how to make a full-stop to all of it. There were times where I question God, "Isn't it, You tell me this and suddenly, now You tell me that?" Eventually, foolishness, guilt, shame, and loss consume me little by little. The entire event was the darkest moment throughout my birth. Along the way, I met my ex-Industrial Attachment (IA) supervisor in his own optical shop. He warned me to be careful of them and ask me to stay away from them because of their teaching are not the same.

One day, I felt my whole being and soul is collapsing. At this very point, I knew I cannot preserve any longer. As the tears running down my cheeks unconditionally while heading home. When I reached home that day, I got down my feet with my head bending low to the ground, begging God to forgive me for not following after Him and bring me back Home where His Presence is. From that day on, I will choose to be and live in the Light and no longer be in darkness or live in darkness.

Soon after, my IA supervisor bought me a church, one Saturday morning. After the Service ended, I wrote my particular details to attend this church. Unfortunately, no phone call or email from them as I waited for 3 months. After that, asked if the church call and I reply no. So again, this time, he brought me to Emmaus Evangelical Free Church which is my current church up till this day.

I really thank God for him who bring back to the Lord.

To our Lord Jesus be all the glory!

Failure to perseverance journey

We came up to a new sunrise

Looking back from the other side

I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain

Wouldn't trade it for anything

'Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are stories You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they're always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, in Your feet

I found my victory

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, in Your feet

I found my victory

//Scars by I Am They

On 16 August, Friday was the last day of my internship and was also the last day of my course of study. Usually, people will be happy or overjoyed because they have completed their course. However, I wasn't very happy as it took me quite long to graduate and the worst part was I had to go through so many trials and suffering. 

During my first year of the polytechnic, it was the hardest year of all. I struggled in a course that I like the most. Of course, from ITE to polytechnic was a huge transition for me and including my friends around me. I chose Interaction Design as my 4th choice and Communication Design as my 2nd choice. I was very happy because I get into Interaction Design because all along, I wanted to be in the Digital Media course. The moment when school starts, which is the first week, I was so stressed because I was not ready and every single day, there is homework and with assignments. The pace of the teaching is much faster than ITE. Every night, I felt I was burning out due to too much of drawing assignments and assignments dateline. 

In the fifth week, I transferred into Business Informatics which was my 6th choice. I thought it will be quite easy than the Digital Design/Digital Media course because I was an IT student in Higher Nitec. But then, I was wrong. It was way harder and there was no way turning back. I was so upset and disappointed with myself. I struggled even more than the previous course. Initially, I planned to go towards Digital Media rather than an IT course because I don't want to face too much of coding language and I don't want to face Computer Mathematics. I don't have Bridging Mathematics in Higher Course because ITE has stopped this module quite sometimes due to a large number of students who are weaker and failed in the previous batches. Also, back in my Secondary school days, I studied Foundation Mathematics which means to say is not normal mathematics that almost everyone learnt. Well, I came from Normal Technical stream so everything that I learnt was all basic and foundation. So, in my mind, I had already known for sure, I will struggle whichever IT courses I picked, and I can't run away with it. 

So, in my current course which is Business Informatics back in year 1, I struggled with almost every module when I first transferred course. Almost every time in the lesson, I would think of myself, "Why do I transfer course?", "Why do I make this decision in the first place?". There were so many why questions, I thought to myself. I failed so many ICA tests in almost every module and including examinations. I re-module/retook Principles of Accounting (POA) and Computer Mathematics, after which only managed to clear Computer Mathematics. I was even more depressed, and I thought I would be kicked out of school. Thankfully, the school gave me a second chance to re-module the second time for POA. After re-module the second time with the help of one of my churchmate , best friend and my tutor, I finally cleared POA.

Fast forward to today, to look back this entire 3.5 years. It has been the most draining and exhausting season of all the studies that I took throughout. I've learnt to press on even in the hardest hardships and rely on the miraculous power during my Year 2 coding project and my Final Year Project (see the previous post) which I prayed a divine prayer over to myself and I believe that He will definitely do it. In Matthew 17:20, Jesus spoke to his disciples, "for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as the mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."

True enough, God not just answered my prayer but at the times, does the things beyond my expectation. Number of times, I had to relearn what it means to trust in the Lord all over again. It just saying --- you are learning how to walk with your baby feet and when you fall you get back up again. Isn't it look similar when you watch a toddler walking with his/her tiny feet? Of course, I've learnt everything the hard way. 

I wouldn't have thought I made it thus far without the grace of God. If you were to tell me back when I was in primary 5/6 in an EM3 stream, for sure. I would be laughing myself and thought to myself, "Are you kidding me that I can go to polytechnics some days in the future?" In the same way, just like Sarah laughed to herself that she would bear a child in her advanced age (Genesis 18:11-12). By the time, Sarah bore a son, Abraham was already 100 years old (Genesis 21:5). The Lord said to Abraham, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Genesis 18:14) Sometimes we need to ask ourselves this question too as it is still applicable and relevant in today's world.

To be honest, it wasn't an easy path and smooth sailing journey, but I held on to certain bible verses and look to my God, Yahweh who is my Mighty Warrior (Zephaniah 3:17), my Strong Tower (Proverb 18:10) and my Protector (Isaiah 41:10).  To sum up, with God all things are possible and nothing too small for Him to accomplish.

Remember that 

You are not your grades.

Don't let failure define you because

Failure is the beginning of success.

**Motivation Quote**

---

 [XLW1]

Extra job scopes/tasks lead me to gameover of FYPJ

Moses sent 12 leaders to explore Canaan

Sweet Publishing/FreeBibleimages.org

On 24th May 2019, Friday was my last day of Final Year Project. The entire journey was tiring, draining, a troublesome process I must say.

I was so upset, disappointed and rather triggered with my project supervisor as every week goes on. No reply from her when I asked a question. Only reply that I will always get from her is just a word that says ok. A thought came to me... What do you mean by ok? Can you evaluate more so that I can know and reach what you say?! I was expecting an open-ended question than a close-ended question. So every time like this happen again and again, I will screenshot it or call a friend of mine and she will say the same thing to me, your supervisor is not answering your question. Well, how I wish I have a superpower to read her mind. Days later, she will automatically check on me via messaging, have I done this or have I done that. Having said that, I still can close an eye to just move on from there and do the necessary things.

On the 3rd-4th week, my supervisor gave me some tasks that are not within the job scope. She did ask me, do I want to explore new things. Without knowing, I agreed to take these tasks. All I know is exploring a game with no farther explanation. I was told to find out what is it and how to play. I remembered I texted my supervisor - how does the game play, I don't know how am I going to start; I don't know what is the purpose of this game. There is no single reply from her that answer to these 3 questions. After exploring, the next thing I know is, to do a summary of the game and how to play. So then, I followed her instruction.

On the 6th week, right after my Mid-term presentation, I was told to do a video for this game or recording of this game. So I recorded every moment of what to click and steps of the game. Also, recorded my voice while clicking the functions. Then again, I receive from her again, your voice is very soft. I really can't hear you speak. But I hear my recording voice, I find it clear and loud. Then she added saying, can you change the audio from text to speech. Of course, I immediately told her, the way I explain the game is so much different from text to speech which is a computer-generated voice. So then, I need to hear my voice and type it to a Microsoft Word before I converted the text into mp3. The video, of course, I mute it and do it again for my video. Adobe After Effects does allow me to edit and at the same time, add audio into it but when I run/play the video, the audio changes to another voice that has a strange and harrowing voice. The original audio way sounds better and nicer. No clue why the sound changes when I added the audio speech into the timeline in Adobe After Effects. So I have to find another video editor on the web because I can't think of any program/software that I do video editing.

On the 10th week, I read an article from THIR.ST that says "My FYP endgame: 21 days before our submission, my project was doomed to fail". I thank God for the article, it was so timely. I really needed to hear and/or read that someone out there knows exactly how frustrating it can be. As I was reading the article, there is a bible verse reference quoted Numbers 13. So I decided to read Numbers 13 after reading the article. In my mind, I pray a short prayer that God help me to be like Joshua (previously known as Hoshea) and Caleb instead of 10 other men who saw only the giants in Canaan. Only Joshua and Caleb held on that promise which God was giving to the Israelites from every tribe (Numbers 13:1-16), despite seeing the giants in the land.

On my final presentation day itself, I was truly not ready and prepared. So during the presentation, I was told to remove the watermark/logo on the video. Finding a video editor is literally, not easy. I keep redoing the video because every time, I have finished doing the moment I export it, there will watermark on the video. I redo a number of times due to watermark. I don't have that sum of money to buy a full version as it will definitely remove that watermark or logo. So ending up using the free trial version, to edit and add audio to my video. My project supervisor doesn't believe me, I have tried so many online video editor. until I lost count of them. She keeps forcing me to remove the watermark. All of these are not my according to my job scope but I still do to help my supervisor to explore the game, typing out the game guide in a Word doc and doing a video for the game guide.

Again, I was reminded of the story of Numbers 13 & Numbers 14. So on the last day of my FYPJ morning on the train, I was meditating on these 2 chapters while reading it again. God told me to trust in His power just like Joshua and Caleb trusted that God was bigger, stronger and could overpower the giants. Don't be like the 10 men who saw their giants (Descendants of Anak) (Numbers 13:22, 28) who are much stronger, powerful and bigger in size (Numbers 13:31-32). They chose not to go to the land of Canaan which God had promised to Jacob, their ancestor (Genesis 28:13-15). Only Joshua and Caleb went again to take their possession, a land that flows milk and honey (Numbers 14:6-8, 24, 30).

To resonate, I prayed for myself to be like Joshua and Caleb to face my giant which is the video/project. After that, I chose to trust in His glorious power because I know God will lead me every single thing and I will receive victory just as God leads Joshua and Caleb into that land, a land flowing milk and honey and will give to Israelites. I was rushing and having problems rendering video makes me even more frustrated with it and my supervisor. I can't render the video out from my desktop computer in the lab, my laptop and the school library computer. After that, I prayed for God's miracle to be upon this hopeless situation. Then later, I get a student who happens to be doing video editing since the 1st day till the last day of his FYPJ. I keep praying, please let it work. Please let it work. By the grace of God, I manage to render the video just in time with added computer-generated voice and with no watermark. Submitted every document and e-learning web folder and including video on 6:30pm. Though exceeded the time rather than not submitting anyone of it. If not, I would get a zero mark for that video.