Failure to perseverance journey

We came up to a new sunrise

Looking back from the other side

I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain

Wouldn't trade it for anything

'Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are stories You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they're always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, in Your feet

I found my victory

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, in Your feet

I found my victory

//Scars by I Am They

On 16 August, Friday was the last day of my internship and was also the last day of my course of study. Usually, people will be happy or overjoyed because they have completed their course. However, I wasn't very happy as it took me quite long to graduate and the worst part was I had to go through so many trials and suffering. 

During my first year of the polytechnic, it was the hardest year of all. I struggled in a course that I like the most. Of course, from ITE to polytechnic was a huge transition for me and including my friends around me. I chose Interaction Design as my 4th choice and Communication Design as my 2nd choice. I was very happy because I get into Interaction Design because all along, I wanted to be in the Digital Media course. The moment when school starts, which is the first week, I was so stressed because I was not ready and every single day, there is homework and with assignments. The pace of the teaching is much faster than ITE. Every night, I felt I was burning out due to too much of drawing assignments and assignments dateline. 

In the fifth week, I transferred into Business Informatics which was my 6th choice. I thought it will be quite easy than the Digital Design/Digital Media course because I was an IT student in Higher Nitec. But then, I was wrong. It was way harder and there was no way turning back. I was so upset and disappointed with myself. I struggled even more than the previous course. Initially, I planned to go towards Digital Media rather than an IT course because I don't want to face too much of coding language and I don't want to face Computer Mathematics. I don't have Bridging Mathematics in Higher Course because ITE has stopped this module quite sometimes due to a large number of students who are weaker and failed in the previous batches. Also, back in my Secondary school days, I studied Foundation Mathematics which means to say is not normal mathematics that almost everyone learnt. Well, I came from Normal Technical stream so everything that I learnt was all basic and foundation. So, in my mind, I had already known for sure, I will struggle whichever IT courses I picked, and I can't run away with it. 

So, in my current course which is Business Informatics back in year 1, I struggled with almost every module when I first transferred course. Almost every time in the lesson, I would think of myself, "Why do I transfer course?", "Why do I make this decision in the first place?". There were so many why questions, I thought to myself. I failed so many ICA tests in almost every module and including examinations. I re-module/retook Principles of Accounting (POA) and Computer Mathematics, after which only managed to clear Computer Mathematics. I was even more depressed, and I thought I would be kicked out of school. Thankfully, the school gave me a second chance to re-module the second time for POA. After re-module the second time with the help of one of my churchmate , best friend and my tutor, I finally cleared POA.

Fast forward to today, to look back this entire 3.5 years. It has been the most draining and exhausting season of all the studies that I took throughout. I've learnt to press on even in the hardest hardships and rely on the miraculous power during my Year 2 coding project and my Final Year Project (see the previous post) which I prayed a divine prayer over to myself and I believe that He will definitely do it. In Matthew 17:20, Jesus spoke to his disciples, "for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as the mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."

True enough, God not just answered my prayer but at the times, does the things beyond my expectation. Number of times, I had to relearn what it means to trust in the Lord all over again. It just saying --- you are learning how to walk with your baby feet and when you fall you get back up again. Isn't it look similar when you watch a toddler walking with his/her tiny feet? Of course, I've learnt everything the hard way. 

I wouldn't have thought I made it thus far without the grace of God. If you were to tell me back when I was in primary 5/6 in an EM3 stream, for sure. I would be laughing myself and thought to myself, "Are you kidding me that I can go to polytechnics some days in the future?" In the same way, just like Sarah laughed to herself that she would bear a child in her advanced age (Genesis 18:11-12). By the time, Sarah bore a son, Abraham was already 100 years old (Genesis 21:5). The Lord said to Abraham, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Genesis 18:14) Sometimes we need to ask ourselves this question too as it is still applicable and relevant in today's world.

To be honest, it wasn't an easy path and smooth sailing journey, but I held on to certain bible verses and look to my God, Yahweh who is my Mighty Warrior (Zephaniah 3:17), my Strong Tower (Proverb 18:10) and my Protector (Isaiah 41:10).  To sum up, with God all things are possible and nothing too small for Him to accomplish.

Remember that 

You are not your grades.

Don't let failure define you because

Failure is the beginning of success.

**Motivation Quote**

---

 [XLW1]

Extra job scopes/tasks lead me to gameover of FYPJ

Moses sent 12 leaders to explore Canaan

Sweet Publishing/FreeBibleimages.org

On 24th May 2019, Friday was my last day of Final Year Project. The entire journey was tiring, draining, a troublesome process I must say.

I was so upset, disappointed and rather triggered with my project supervisor as every week goes on. No reply from her when I asked a question. Only reply that I will always get from her is just a word that says ok. A thought came to me... What do you mean by ok? Can you evaluate more so that I can know and reach what you say?! I was expecting an open-ended question than a close-ended question. So every time like this happen again and again, I will screenshot it or call a friend of mine and she will say the same thing to me, your supervisor is not answering your question. Well, how I wish I have a superpower to read her mind. Days later, she will automatically check on me via messaging, have I done this or have I done that. Having said that, I still can close an eye to just move on from there and do the necessary things.

On the 3rd-4th week, my supervisor gave me some tasks that are not within the job scope. She did ask me, do I want to explore new things. Without knowing, I agreed to take these tasks. All I know is exploring a game with no farther explanation. I was told to find out what is it and how to play. I remembered I texted my supervisor - how does the game play, I don't know how am I going to start; I don't know what is the purpose of this game. There is no single reply from her that answer to these 3 questions. After exploring, the next thing I know is, to do a summary of the game and how to play. So then, I followed her instruction.

On the 6th week, right after my Mid-term presentation, I was told to do a video for this game or recording of this game. So I recorded every moment of what to click and steps of the game. Also, recorded my voice while clicking the functions. Then again, I receive from her again, your voice is very soft. I really can't hear you speak. But I hear my recording voice, I find it clear and loud. Then she added saying, can you change the audio from text to speech. Of course, I immediately told her, the way I explain the game is so much different from text to speech which is a computer-generated voice. So then, I need to hear my voice and type it to a Microsoft Word before I converted the text into mp3. The video, of course, I mute it and do it again for my video. Adobe After Effects does allow me to edit and at the same time, add audio into it but when I run/play the video, the audio changes to another voice that has a strange and harrowing voice. The original audio way sounds better and nicer. No clue why the sound changes when I added the audio speech into the timeline in Adobe After Effects. So I have to find another video editor on the web because I can't think of any program/software that I do video editing.

On the 10th week, I read an article from THIR.ST that says "My FYP endgame: 21 days before our submission, my project was doomed to fail". I thank God for the article, it was so timely. I really needed to hear and/or read that someone out there knows exactly how frustrating it can be. As I was reading the article, there is a bible verse reference quoted Numbers 13. So I decided to read Numbers 13 after reading the article. In my mind, I pray a short prayer that God help me to be like Joshua (previously known as Hoshea) and Caleb instead of 10 other men who saw only the giants in Canaan. Only Joshua and Caleb held on that promise which God was giving to the Israelites from every tribe (Numbers 13:1-16), despite seeing the giants in the land.

On my final presentation day itself, I was truly not ready and prepared. So during the presentation, I was told to remove the watermark/logo on the video. Finding a video editor is literally, not easy. I keep redoing the video because every time, I have finished doing the moment I export it, there will watermark on the video. I redo a number of times due to watermark. I don't have that sum of money to buy a full version as it will definitely remove that watermark or logo. So ending up using the free trial version, to edit and add audio to my video. My project supervisor doesn't believe me, I have tried so many online video editor. until I lost count of them. She keeps forcing me to remove the watermark. All of these are not my according to my job scope but I still do to help my supervisor to explore the game, typing out the game guide in a Word doc and doing a video for the game guide.

Again, I was reminded of the story of Numbers 13 & Numbers 14. So on the last day of my FYPJ morning on the train, I was meditating on these 2 chapters while reading it again. God told me to trust in His power just like Joshua and Caleb trusted that God was bigger, stronger and could overpower the giants. Don't be like the 10 men who saw their giants (Descendants of Anak) (Numbers 13:22, 28) who are much stronger, powerful and bigger in size (Numbers 13:31-32). They chose not to go to the land of Canaan which God had promised to Jacob, their ancestor (Genesis 28:13-15). Only Joshua and Caleb went again to take their possession, a land that flows milk and honey (Numbers 14:6-8, 24, 30).

To resonate, I prayed for myself to be like Joshua and Caleb to face my giant which is the video/project. After that, I chose to trust in His glorious power because I know God will lead me every single thing and I will receive victory just as God leads Joshua and Caleb into that land, a land flowing milk and honey and will give to Israelites. I was rushing and having problems rendering video makes me even more frustrated with it and my supervisor. I can't render the video out from my desktop computer in the lab, my laptop and the school library computer. After that, I prayed for God's miracle to be upon this hopeless situation. Then later, I get a student who happens to be doing video editing since the 1st day till the last day of his FYPJ. I keep praying, please let it work. Please let it work. By the grace of God, I manage to render the video just in time with added computer-generated voice and with no watermark. Submitted every document and e-learning web folder and including video on 6:30pm. Though exceeded the time rather than not submitting anyone of it. If not, I would get a zero mark for that video.

Why Linda? Why Petra?

This rocks, I took at Bedok Reservoir Park.

I have 2 Christian or Baptism names.

1st name is Linda. It means beautiful and pretty in Spanish, Italian and Portuguese. 2nd name is Petra. A female version of Peter means Solid Rock or Solid Stone. If I were to combine them together, it means Beautiful Rock. As you can see the title of my blog is Beautiful Rock.

Why Linda? Firstly, I wanted a Christian name that starts with 'L'. The reason is that both my English name and my Chinese start with 'L'. Primary 5, I gave myself this name, Linda. Back then, I didn't know what the meaning is until 2013, I went to search for the meaning. I always tend to deny that I am a beautiful person and/or pretty person wherever sometimes, my friends or people called me that because I don't think that I am. Definitely, my reply to this is, "No, I am not. Please don't ever call me that." I believe that I am a cute person but not a beautiful person or a pretty person. Actually, it took me a super long way to finally understand my true identity in Christ that really, “Ya, I am made beautifully by God's hand.” This verse in 1 Peter 2:9-10 has appeared to me so many times that I am a true princess of God.

Why Petra? A lot of times, I identify myself as Peter. Example: So quick to say something and so quick to identify someone. Like Peter, identify Jesus is the Messiah, the Anointed One (Matthew 16:16). Another similarity Peter looks onto wind and wave rather than fully trust that he can walk onto the water before he sinks (Matthew 14:28-31). If you were to bring this context into the present world, the wind and the wave are referring to the trial, problem, and suffering that I faced rather than fixing my eyes to the One who is Almighty. Lastly, my favourite verse that Peter ever spoke in his Sermon to the crowd was from Acts 2:38. Peter is the first few people to begin the early church.

38 Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit".

In the Scripture, Peter spoke of this Beautiful Rock. In 1 Peter chapter 2, this stone is a living and a precious cornerstone of God’s temple. He was rejected by people, but he was chosen by God for great honour. We, Christian, are living stones that God is building into His spiritual temple/house. What’s more, we are His holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

Broken heart

Broken steps broken hearts
You are mending every part
I am safe and I'm covered by Your grace
Only You and Your light
Could turn my darkness into dawn
By Your blood death has lost
And love has won

I surrender all
To the Savior of my soul

Let the weak in me say I am strong
You're my refuge and my song
I will trust in You for all my days
Let my fears and doubts be cast away
You're my strength I will not fear
Jesus I will call upon Your name
You are my hiding place
//You are my hiding place by JPCC Worship


Take that yoke or burden and covered with Your tender mercy, love and grace. I give my all when come to dealing with people (literally difficult people). To bear one another differences, e.g.: unique features, personalities and traits reason being we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus which God had prepared long ago for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). I had issues with this person for a couple of years. Before the issues, we were fine, no problem within us and had a nice chit-chatting conversation (be it whatever topic) but after that convo ended, surely, there is something needed to be corrected. To be honest, I am fine wif that because I am so use to it already ever since I was born. If I did something wrong/not right, of course, I will get scolding or warning. If I did nothing wrong, I will still get scolding or warning. If I have a friend who did something wrong, I will help my friend to cover those of it, he/she won't get the blame or scolding because this what friend for. To carry one another burden (Galatians 6:2), having to lay down his/her life for the other (John 15:13). So back to the case, I really enjoy talking to this person but overtimes, this has to be stopped for the time-being. Both of us, need that a timeout just to make sure, we are not causing ourselves to fall and most importantly, take a step back and align with God Himself. Actually, I didn't have any emotion until one day, it just burst out of a sudden. All these years, I have been suppressing the feelings and hurts which I didn't know and didn't share about it to anyone until last year, I shared with my best pal, CFWS in short form. For now, I still face this person but no longer, I will have 1-1 convo but with a small community if we were to talk together.

You are made beautiful

Everyday, besides wearing my clothes, short/pant and shoes everywhere I go. Definitely, my earrings. Well, since 3yrs old was forced by my mum to wear earring even if I am sleeping or going to school, I will wear it with me non-stop. Never in my entire life, I take off my earrings unless I sanitize it. But now, I guess is time for me to take off and say goodbye. Suddenly, my left side of earring drop by itself. Both parents and I find underneath the sofa, the kitchen, my sleeping area and bathroom and we just couldn't find it. As a girl and lady myself, we definitely treasure our jewellery. But the question is, Do all those things, make us a truly a girl or a lady? Every girls, ladies and women that I met when I was young would tell me, you need to wear earrings, bracelet, necklace and wear dress will make you more like a girly like or a lady like. For me, I choose to wear pant instead of skirt and I choose skirt instead of dress. I don't fancy those girly stuff and jewellery because I truly believe your inner self(being) and your attitude(conduct) that make you a beautiful girl, lady or woman.
Indeed, "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewellery, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:3-4 ESV
#innerbeauty #beautifulingodseyes #princessofgod

My Testimony

Since Primary 1, I went to the Student Care Centre at Bethesda Bedok-Tampines Church. My brother and I would stay there for the whole day as our parents work from morning till evening.  We would study and play with other students from all ages. At the student care at BBTC, I came to know the Lord through storybooks and animation movies shared with us through the teachers.

From Primary 4 onwards, I attended their Tuition Ministry which taught me English and Maths. Besides focusing on studies, the teachers would also conduct games and teach us biblical values to mould our character. They also shared godly advice to us and led us to sing praises and worship God.

I remembered one particular day near Good Friday very well. I watched a movie but this time round, it wasn’t a cartoon.  The movie portrayed Jesus Christ who was arrested by the Jewish leaders till His last moments during His cruxification. As I watched the scene where Jesus was nailed on the cross, I realised that His people did not acknowledge Him and there is sin in every mankind.  God caused me to understand how much I have sinned against Him, like those people in the movie. In my heart, I prayed to Jesus, “Lord, I believe in You.”

As I walked home that day, my mind was filled with the images of Jesus being flogged and spat upon by the religious leaders. He was mocked and laughed at by the crowd before finally being nailed to the cross.  I felt extremely sorry for my sinful nature. I looked up to the blue sky, pondering over the blood that paid for the penalty of my sins.

On another occasion when I was Primary 5, I was with my closest friend at student care. She asked me if I was a Christian. I replied saying, “Not yet.” “How come?” “I thought you are”, she commented. I told her “Of course, I want to.” Though she was 2 years younger, she led me to pray the sinners’ prayer.

I want to praise God for how He has worked in my life. Ever since primary school, I experienced people looking down on me because of my family background and my weaker academic performance.  I was bullied in class by a male classmate from primary school all the way till secondary school. On a number of occasions, he would spit his saliva on me. During those times, I would wonder why there’s no justice in this world. I kept on asking myself and even God, “Why am I on this earth? Why do you bring me to existence? Why am I blamed for what I have not done wrong? Why don’t things go the way I hoped them to be?”  There were times where I struggled to forgive those who bullied and looked down on me. I didn’t know how to love them because of the way they treated me. The more I remembered how they were to me, the more I think they are wrong and in my anger, I judged them.

Then God caused me to understand that Jesus Christ had the same encounter too. The religious leaders spat on Him. Yet God showed His love by choosing to die on the cross for our sins. God also taught me that there will be a time where He will judge all men. Similarly, because of the Good News of Christ’s redemption, God demonstrated His love and forgiveness. Therefore, I also ought to love and bless even those who hurt me.  

God showed me the purpose of my existence in 1 Peter 2:9-10  which says

⁹ But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvellous light; ¹⁰ for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY.

This verse taught me that I am a princess of God. I am God’s own special child and He is my King and my High Priest. I am chosen regardless of where I come from, whatever background I was brought up in and whichever culture I lived in. In Christ, I am called to be set apart to live a holy life in Christ. The most important reason for my existence is that I should make Him known – The Christ who brought me out of darkness into His marvellous light. All praise to God for His work in my life! Amen!